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DISCLAIMER: If you do not agree with me, is OKAY, but please don't get mad with me.
Isn't it weird how we people do such random things? Mainly teenagers to be honest.
Yesterday, my friend, Elizabeth offered for me to go to a church with her. It was both of our first times and we are both sort of "non-believers". You see in the beginning I was an average American kid. I woke up every December 25th to unwrap some presents and forget it all the next day. Then one Christmas, I got the terrible news.
"Santa is not real."
After that, I got ANGRY. "WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO ME?!" I yelled, but then an idea clicked with my stepmom. We then got to work and started researching the real origins of santa and christmas. We then found out that the holiday Christmas comes from pagan roots. "Jesus" was actually born around the fall. After years of researching, we ended up celebrating Jewish holidays.
I went about three years doing Hanukkah and occasionally going to Baruch Hashem (jewish church) But I remember the first year I was "Jewish", we had a Christmas project in 5th grade. We had to do a poster board on a Christmas day with pictures. Once I had heard this, I nearly died. What if Jorge (my 5th grade crush) knew I did Jewish holiday?? I almost gave in, but eventually asked my teacher if I could do Hanukkah. With a worried face, she finally agreed and I began. One week later, our poster boards were hung up on the hallway. The red and greens looked perfect as I looked at each one. Then a blue one stuck out like a sore thumb. Jorge laughed and I cried. Life goes on.
Then here I am in 8th grade. I don't know what to believe. I am just getting by as an average teen, yin-yang lover, and color black enthusiast, when I am invited to a church. I never really fit in to churches, so I am worried. Will I be rejected again? When we arrive, we are early and we wait in the church with two other guys. (one of them I literally see EVERYWHERE, Elizabeth said it's meant to be *eye roll*)
We are then escorted into this room with a cool stage, and EXTREMELY LOUD Christian rap music on. As Elizabeth and I secretly plugged our ears, and took a seat in the back, about 15 more teens came in. After being asked the same questions by about 10 people, the music started, and everyone was dancing around while I casually clapped my hands and tried to fit in. I notice how happy everyone is. We were then introduced to a guest speaker who would be talking to us. Now this may sound weird, but I think that speaker was the...best? person I have ever met. He made SO much sense. And not about Jesus this and Jesus that, but the fact that there is a "God" that truly cares about us even though we are weak, and disgusting people. Now I take God as a feeling. And let me tell you, God feels good.
Now I am starting to NOT make sense right?
Just wait.
What happened next was even weirder.
After 2 hours of an inspirational talk, he asked who in the room needs more of "God". Now like I said, I think that God is like a .... energy or feeling. So after the boy next to me took the first step and went up, I realized I NEED HELP. I need to feel good. Because you know what? Maybe if I feel good like the dancing teens around me, I will be GOOD. I then look over to Elizabeth and see she has no intention WHATSOEVER to go. I nudge her, but end up walking to the front by myself. I see the eyes on me, daring me to be brave. I step in front of everyone, in front of the music, in front of the lights. In front of the old me.
And I cry.
I need help.
The speaker places his hands on my shoulders, and looks into my pitiful eyes. He leans in and asks, "What are you praying for?"
I hesitate. I can't speak.
"A little more Jesus?" He finishes. I nod as he places his hand on my blue head.
"Have you accepted Jesus as your savior?"
I let out a sob and shake my head. The people around me stare under the dim lighting.
The speaker asks me to repeat after him, he speaks in tongues too.
I take Jesus.
to guide me.
to help me.
I repeat everything in a pitiful voice.
When I am done, he smiles at me and yells out to everyone,
"WELCOME TO THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN"
everyone cheers as i keep crying. I am happy?
My chest feels heavy, like I might gasp too big and pass out. I wipe away the black tears and raise my hands up.
I feel the energy.
The Feeling.
If this is what God is, then I want more.
I come home and barely say a word.
Now that I am "saved" should I be doing something?
I don't know how to feel.
How can you be saved when you don't even believe in God or Jesus like the Christians do?
How can you go to hell, when you don't believe it exists?
Is this all just a waste?
Heaven doesn't exist, so how am I saved?
No matter who saves me, I am still confused.
I want to go back.
Oh, Jelena Kimberlee, you are an excellent writer and very good at expressing your feelings. A friend saw your blog and thought I should comment. I am a 71 year old grandmother and remember those feelings when I was a teenager - and at other times in my life. I am a good, kind, loving, giving person and many people I meet are shocked to learn that I am an atheist. One even said "Now I need to rethink all I thought I knew about atheists!" Thankfully, there are many more understanding people every day - much more so in your generation than in mine.
ReplyDeleteTeenagers usually feel compelled to "fit in", even though they know inside that they are different from the ones who NEED to belong, no matter what they have to sacrifice for it.
I tend to refer to what you went through at that church as mass hypnosis. You have a strong mind and weren't as effected by the pull to be "saved" as many of the people undoubtedly were, since you are having second thoughts about it. Many people who are not as intelligent, need to be told what to do and how to feel. Many Christians believe that they are compelled to "save" others, and that is why they try so hard to "win the hearts and minds" of people when they are young. You already know that there are many different religions and they ALL think they're the only one. I even have a friend who is a minister who does not believe in hell - why would anyone? It is a scare tactic that does not work on people who use their minds to reason.
The rest of us want to guide our own lives and think about everything before concluding something is true. I belong to a large group (hundreds locally and millions nationally) who do not believe in any religion, any gods or magic or whatever one wants to call it. If you google "atheism", "freethought" or "humanist", you can probably find a group in your area and they will be happy to discuss this with you. We don't want to "convert" you to anything, just to let you know you do not have to go along with ANY crowd - including ours!!
If there is a college near you, you could talk to someone in the Secular Students Alliance, or find out how to start one at your school.
I hope you get more support to be yourself and not a follower I'm sorry this is so long, Thank you for reading.
I am glad to know that I am not alone. I feel like even though I may only be 13 years old, I sort of see more than the average teenager. Thank you for such a long response, I completely agree with you. I think hell is not a place, but a feeling that us humans go through without even knowing. If abuse and murder is not hell, what is? I appreciate the thought,
Deletexx Jelena
Have you considered writing on some level as a career? You show excellent potential at such a young age. I used to write pages and pages of poems when I was your age. We, of course, did not have the "BLOG" option, then. I know some people make money blogging, but I have no idea how. I did major in English in college, but never used my degree except to substitute teach and to get jobs that required a college degree. I DO think each of us who can, should learn something and teach something every day.
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DeleteWOW! The pain one is powerful! Love the "cold, black hearts" (the way other people see atheists, to me). You are SO much more tech savy than I...you will find ift funny that we did not have a TV in our home until I was 12 and one of my grandparents did not have running water OR electricity (rural Mississippi) until I was a teenager (I HATED their outhouse).
ReplyDeleteMy friends think it's hilarious that I still remember - AND QUOTE - poetry I memorized in jr hi and high school. April is National Poetry Month and http://www.forwardartsfoundation.org/national-poetry-day/what-is-national-poetry-day/ - Have a great day.
Thank You, Louissa :)
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